Seething with Anger, I Punched the Door (A True Story)

Seething with anger, I punched the door...

Consider the question below: 

If a caring person came into your life, sat you down, and asked if you wanted to talk about your biggest problem or secret struggle, how would you respond?

Before continuing, allow me to quickly fill in the blank.

Father-Son Clashing

It was less than a year since I had moved back to my parents' house after graduating from Mount Union (shout out to all the Purple Raiders reading this). Having spent five years away (super senior!), I had changed as a person, and now understood that the relational tendencies often found in codependent, alcoholic family systems was harmful to those residing within that family. Growing up, I perceived these dynamics as normal. In light of this new understanding however, tons of anger began bubbling up, which I now recognize to be a natural initial result when shifting from ignorant naivete to a life of conscious awareness. Whenever a person within a unit- whether it be a family unit, company, or team- makes a significant shift, friction is guaranteed to occur. Friction most certainly did occur between my father and I, with years of repressed rage coming into the view of my conscious awareness.

Seething with anger, I punched the door during one particular argument between he and I. Being that this was seven years ago, I don't recall what the argument was specifically about; I simply remember a sensation of being overtaken by rage.

                                                          A Person Who Cared
A now long-time friend of mine, Danny Hammer, knew of the problems I was having relating to my father. He had gone through similar experiences, and ended up telling a mentor and friend of his, Dan Copan, about my situation. What happened next was life changing.

Danny Hammer had a Super Bowl party, and Dan Copan was there. Pulling me aside, Dan maintained an air of gentleness while straightforwardly saying, "Nic, have a seat," as he himself pulled a chair up. "I hear you're having some problems with your father. Do you want to talk about it?"

#LifeChangedForever

In the codependent, alcoholic family system I grew up in, I had learned that the best way to deal with problems was to not talk about them. Feeling sad? Hold it in. Have a problem with someone? Don't talk about it with that person. OR, if you do talk about it with that person, immediately commence shouting and blaming, sprinkled with some name calling.

Get in touch with your natural instincts and begin
traveling the path of life in the company of others.

I had no clue that men like Dan existed. Men who cared about and understood the complex, confusing circumstances of life, as opposed to the typical male formula of being concerned solely about the image they are presenting to the world. Until then, most of the men I had known were primarily into things like appearing macho, classy, important, popular, and superior to others, myself included. I of course now know this type of behavior to be a thick persona covering up pain, fear, and grief. Having largely deconstructed my own ways of covering up undesirable feelings, I now have compassion for men who behave with thick personas. Truly, such men are hurting children residing in adult bodies, in need of a "Dan Copan" to sit them down and ask them to talk, just as I needed. To be sure, I was ready for such an experience- nobody can force a man to talk if he isn't willing.

Quiet Desperation

Free yourself from internal captivity-
get connected with a trustworthy person today!

In 2016, seven years later, I'm regularly in touch with both Danny and Dan. These guys care about life in a deep way, giving time and energy to things like:

• being transformed from the inside out
• owning their behaviors and feelings, rather than blaming them on somebody else
• experiencing internal dynamics such as emotions, joy, pain, and connectedness
• relating their internal dynamics to others, rather than holding it in

In men's books, many an author has written of the quiet desperation most of the males in our culture suffer with. We wear the "I have my $&!% together" mask while quietly and painfully suffering on the inside.

The Question

If a "Dan Copan" came into your life, sat you down, and said, "[your name], I hear you're having some problems with [your biggest struggle/secret problem here]. Do you want to tell me about it?," what would be your response?

Here's to deciding to no longer live in quiet desperation.

With love, -Nic


PS- The way my father and I relate to one another has changed for the better. It's not perfect, but if we started seven years ago at -50 on a 0-100 scale, we are now at a 50. Major improvement! Purfect dusn't happin, but major improvements can most certainly take place in our lives. Were it not for Dan Copan taking the time to sit me down seven years ago, the relationship between my father and I would most certainly be at -150, because no positive momentum shift would have otherwise taken place.

*Codependency-
When we don't love and validate ourselves, we desperately seek love and validation from others, then become upset when we don't get it.

*Anger-
When a man begins the process of internal transformation, anger is often the first layer of emotion     he encounters. Many men stagnate at this place. Once the anger is released, he will encounter a layer of grief beneath the anger. One function of the anger is to hold grief at bay, as the thought of feeling grief can be tremendously frightening. 

*Repression-
the unconscious holding down of feelings, whereas suppression is the conscious holding down of feelings. (I've done lots of both in my life...how about you?)


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My workshop, Physiology: A Gateway Into the Soul, is on May 14th from 11am-4pm. Save with early bird registration, which ends on April 30th! Email nicsaluppo@gmail.com for details.

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